i hate it when people call me funny because I feel like I have to say something really funny again and I just can’t handle that pressure
the first person to poop must have been like ???????????????
As an infant they probably didn’t register what was happening
i was imagining a grown ass man. a man with a beard. a man hunting alaskan mammoths to provide for his family. i forgot babies. i forgot babies existed
So, my girlfriend wakes up in the middle of the nights sometimes, and if she notices I’m not close to her, she taps my face until I wake up and just holds her arms open and says, “Come. Warmth.” And then falls back asleep when I do as told.
I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy cutting open Fruit Gushers and squeezing all of the goo into a glass so I can take a shot of it because that has always been a dream of mine and now that I’m an adult with a job, I finally have the means to make it a reality. Please leave your name and number after the beep.